The latest outbreak of senioritis at Westford Academy is purportedly the most dangerous and widespread to date and has not gone unnoticed by Westford Public Schools administration. Although it’s by no means a new disease, the sickness is taking a greater toll than it ever has, wiping out entire troves of high achieving seniors even before the November 1st deadlines.
Senioritis is a condition that affects critical regions of the brain that control motivation, decision making, and apathy. In some cases, it can even lead to increased lacrimal gland activity, fatigue, a caffeine dependency, and illusory feelings of superiority. Though no one really knows what causes the illness, epidemiologists have come up with many substantial theories.
Specialists such as Dr. F. Lu believe the incidence is related to the recent flu outbreak caused by the class histogram. While he maintains that the outbreak is caused by a rapidly mutating virus, others seem to believe the disease is genetic, triggered by environmental factors. Eugene Watson, grandson of genetics pioneer James Watson, suggests the disease is latent within all of us, passed down from generation to generation. However, potential triggers include caffeine overdose, filling out the senior data sheet two months late, being late to school every other day, and approximately twelve years of exposure to the public education system. “In other words, we’re all doomed.”
On Wednesday, Massachusetts health officials declared a public health emergency as 8393 cases of senioritis were confirmed in this county, including 239 in Westford alone.
Other counties have also imposed quarantines and blocked affected invalids from traveling across town lines. Some students have even taken their own initiatives to reduce the spread of senioritis. Some have tried crying to keep any potential pathogens from their eyes, while others are encouraging students to get as much rest as possible. “Just sleep in. Neglect all your responsibilities. Do anything you can to stop the spread of the epidemic,” the advocates preach. Some extremists are even going so far as to stay home entirely, shutting themselves in their rooms where no one can infect them.
Even now, little is known about the elusive condition, but experts are still studying the disease that is sweeping across the nation as we speak. “We’re not exactly sure how severe this year’s outbreak will be, but it is essential that we prepare for the worst, especially those at greatest risk, high school and college seniors,” reports Dean of Anatomy, Dr. Franklin.
In light of these precautions, WATA has taken their own measures to spread awareness of the epidemic. They have officially announced that they are changing the fall production and, instead of Young Frankenstein, will be performing _Senioritis_, the musical, featuring songs such as “Go with the Flow” and “C’s and D’s are Very Good for You.”
