With the senior capstone program about to begin, guidance has officially announced the mandatory capstone orientation, a mysterious meeting on April 8th said to reveal all of the closely guarded secrets of the internship and project program. The capstone program, which provides seniors with a month of supervised tomfoolery in either a scholastic or work setting, requires a detailed introduction in which guidance explains all of the requirements to avoid making the administration look bad.
“After much deliberation, we realized that there’s no other alternative. The meeting is absolutely mandatory for every senior, regardless of extenuating circumstances,” explained guidance in a presentation. “If people don’t come to the meeting, who knows what they might miss. We just don’t have the resources to set up a webcam and record the presentation. And God forbid we have to repeat ourselves or something preposterous like that.”
Several students expressed concern over the date of the capstone orientation, which conflicts with several accepted students’ days. However, guidance helpfully reminded the students that their last month of goofing off in high school is far more important than their future. Other students, who have come down with the deadly ebola virus, have asked for an exemption from the meeting in order to avoid causing an international health and public safety crisis.
“We know how hard it can be to fit things like this into your schedule when you’re bleeding out of every bodily orifice,” explained one guidance counselor, “But you better be bleeding out of every bodily orifice at the senior capstone orientation.”
In addition to ebola virus, other unacceptable reasons for missing the capstone orientation include religious holidays, unsafe road conditions, mental breakdowns, flesh-eating bacterial infections, plague outbreaks, alien invasions, apocalyptic catastrophes, and death.
“I want to remind all of the seniors that this date has been on the calendar since the beginning of time itself,” guidance explained in an email. “If you plan on dying or having a life-altering crisis anytime soon, please wait until after the internship program.”
At press time, guidance was on lunch break and therefore unavailable to provide any further comment.
