The PSAT, although not factored into college admission decisions, is designed to prepare students for the future-determining SAT. Or rather, it was until the National Merit Scholarship Corporation (NMSC) decided to use the College Board‘s exam as the primary qualifier for the National Merit Scholarship. National Merit Scholars are only awarded a $2,500 scholarship, an advantage in the college process, and the opportunity to receive a full or substantial scholarship at many schools. Despite how unimportant the PSAT evidently is, you can find PSAT books in every library and bookstore these days. Additionally, PSAT prep classes, PSAT merchandise, and PSAT sleep hypnopaedia are all available to the most diligent and affluent students seeking to win the prestigious title of National Merit Scholar.
With all the hype about this measly trifle of a scholarship, test makers have been scratching their heads and asking themselves, “How can we make more money?” This statement was later retracted in a press conference. “What we mean to say,” apologized several College Board representatives, “is, ‘How can we provide ways to prepare students for the PSAT now that it has grown to be such an important exam?’” Thus, College Board graciously announced its new standardized test this week: the Preparatory Preliminary SAT (PPSAT).
The three-part (Math, Critical Reading, and Writing) exam will be administered in three discrete one-hour sessions to minimize the stress of the test, to give test takers’ minds time to rest and review, and “just to shake it up a little.” Like the PSAT, the exam will cost each student $15 and a portion of their emotional stability per session.
New PPSAT books are in the works and are set to be published across the nation in the spring. Parents are scrambling to register for the first test date, September 16, 2017, at which point the exam will be highly recommended for sophomores but available to students as young as those entering the sixth grade. Anticipatory demand for PPSAT tutors has skyrocketed, making this up-and-coming career choice one of the fastest growing in its field. Combined with the stark scarcity of PPSAT experts, this has driven the costs of PPSAT tutors up the wall, suddenly turning a B.A. in English into a degree that is at least vaguely lucrative.
Anxious parents wanting to stay two leaps, a bound, and a skip ahead of the competition are reportedly frustrated with their uncooperative kids. “Ever since I registered him for a nightly class, Charles won’t stop laughing about the name. His teachers told me he was mature for a first-grader.”
