After meeting with faculty, administration has made clear that under no circumstances should homework be assigned to students over the holiday vacation. The student body expressed great relief at this ruling, foreseeing an absolutely stress-free transition into vacation.
One student expressed gratitude for this rule: “Boy, it’s such a relief to have all of vacation to kick back and relax, away from any homework. My teachers were even so kind as to move every due date up to the day before vacation! Isn’t that great?” she said, downing her seventh coffee that night. This lucky student, bleary-eyed and gaunt, likened each tantalizing paper, project, and problem set to gifts suddenly collected under a sparkling tree. She shrugged, eyes filled with as much holiday cheer as the gaping void of outer space. “I guess Christmas came early this year.”
This student was not alone in her jubilation. Another lauded his teacher for “being so willing to grade assignments during vacation.” (Editor’s note: this student was a Freshman. He didn’t quite understand why we were talking to him.)
The student body has several teachers to thank for the inundation of manual labor. By skirting the real intention of the no-homework rule, these real-life Saint Nicks have brought gifts of excessive homework to all the good little boys and girls of the school.
This most wondrous of gifts, however, comes with a caveat: not having any homework to do over break! Several interviewees were dumbfounded by such a vast expanse of free time, with no structured busywork to fill it. One distraught student told us, “I don’t know how I’m going to cope without any homework to do. I mean, right now I’m just so blissfully overburdened with mountains of work that I may very well collapse from the shock of free time.”
At press time, a growing group of students was in the process of organizing a homework withdrawal support group to make it through the vacation.
