The Westford Academy administration has faced substantial backlash from parents after announcing its participation in a nationwide study on the academic effects of marijuana use. The investigation, which offers a $420 incentive for students to try marijuana before the initial drug test and quit until after the final one, is organized in cooperation with individuals at Harvard whose credentials, funding, and motives have yet to be considered. After conferring with concerned parents, the principal’s office administered a preliminary survey to investigate the student body’s aptitude.
“After having the survey results professionally analyzed,” administration explained in a press release, “we decided that the marijuana study was a poor fit for Westford Academy. Of the twelve students whose parents signed the waiver, eleven wrote that they smoked marijuana, but their parents assured us that their children’s responses were completely untruthful. We just don’t think we have enough potheads in the school to really help with the investigation.”
“I’m surprised the study was even considered,” voiced one of the liars’ parents. “Why would anyone, in a community as wonderful as Westford, ever turn to such a vile substance? Next thing you know, they’ll be claiming our kids are sexting, too.”
The final decision received substantial backlash from the students, who were counting on the gift cards to fund several mass Chipotle outings. In an attempt to stick to the new scientific initiative, the administration has instead elected to participate in a nationwide study on the intellectual effects of grinding.
“We’ve scheduled four dances during which the investigation will be held”, explained administration in a private interview, “Our partners in the study have also suggested that the events remain unsupervised. We don’t want our students to feel shy about science.”
The administration reported that they know grinding has negative academic and emotional effects on students but would like to provide definitive proof using the scientific method. Data for the research will be collected from a survey along with pressure sensors placed on volunteers. Readings from these sensors will be used to determine the total amount each student is paid.
“We recognize that there is some risk involved in this sort of study,” explained the faculty supervisor for the investigation, “but we are confident that the students’ sex ed classes have taught them that everyone who has sex dies. We therefore don’t foresee any problems for the participants involved. That sort of stuff just doesn’t happen at our high school.”
DECA has volunteered to provide mattresses for the event.
