Last week, a Westford Academy student took action against a pernicious problem that has been a thorn in students’ sides since 1792: the school’s name.
“If you’re anything like me,” says the petitioner, “you know how hard it is to go to a public school with a name that’s so ‘private school.’ Just last week, I was out with my father to see some of his old Harvard buddies, and when his pal heard that I attend ‘Westford Academy,’ he asked if it was a private school! I was so embarrassed. I just couldn’t believe the insinuation—he thought I was rich—and maybe even preppy! I haven’t been able to show my face at my father’s yacht club since.”
The new name proposed is “Westford High School,” a step down from the originally proposed “Westford Public High School of the Poor Common Folk.”
The petition has received widespread support from the student body. “I get tired of people assuming that I’m a rich snob because I go to a school with such a pretentious name,” says one senior sporting a Ralph Lauren polo. “I’m really not. My family isn’t rich, and I’m not entitled or privileged or whatever. I mean, just look at my car! It’s a 2007 BMW! Some kids at AB have brand new Porsches.”
Administration seems to be supportive of the change as well. In a statement released yesterday, they expressed their openness “to any ideas that may better the school’s chances of bringing in even more funding.” One administrator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, explained, “We need all the good publicity we can get. Word of the nudes scandal got out last year despite our best efforts to silence the student press… And it did not look good, not at all.”
The Westford Academy trustees were less approving of this “newfangled scheme to mooch off of their inherited monies.”
The petitioner has promised free Vineyard Vines apparel to anybody who signs.
Community Submission by Moaning Myrtle
